Sometimes I will lay in my room, in the dark and think of how I spent sleepless nights wondering "when do I get my moment to be kissed by a man whose eyes glowed every time his lips touched mine"
I think we place so much pressure on ourselves to conform to the standards and imagery society feeds us. We place emphasis that at some point being in a committed relationship is what you should be doing and even though we realise that we are headed fast on a train to nowhere, only complete isolation from our deepest desires, we still do it. Not to make myself seem absolved off all that I seem to point out to be the stereotypes of what ruins the innocence in simple human emotions and interactions but I have tried to let certain things run as part of those "awkward moments" in my life.
I mean, they had to be taking me somewhere in all of this turmoil we keep feeling. In all of those soul searching times, when u laying down praying for that time when you no longer need to feel inferior to your own emotions yet you embrace the long road you have walked and you take it in. Reflect and accept I call it. I kept using these lines on myself, if I believed it then it had to be true, this had to be of some kind of substance to me.
I always said I would write a book about Relationships, love, friendships, men, women and the things they should tell you as you enter the big bad world yet they never do. I find it crucial for us all to have those talks whether it is a stranger you met on the corner of the street as you waited for the robots to turn green or that old lady who saw how torn and broken you looked. We learn from those foreign adventures which become the path changers. These are the talks which reinforce in us that we still worth loving, someone out there haven’t given up on you completely but you worth loving if you love of yourself first.
Ok ... so before I fold myself in the deep romance in what life should be.
Simple question...
When you sitting in parking, watching that adorable couple crossing the street, what are your first initial thoughts? Are you wishing them well? Hoping it was you in that persons arms, wondering what she sees in him or are you sitting there wondering "How much love does he have in him for himself, for him to be able to love her as much as he claims he does?"
I am sure your first thoughts are probably negative as are most of ours when we lack what others have. You listen to your friend moaning about their significant other and you wish they would shut up because to you THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND THE LONELINESS YOU FEEL WHEN THERE IS NO ONE TO CALL YOUR OWN. You try seeming considerate to their groans and even consoling them with advice which hides your anger and irritation. You battle to understand how one can cheat on another, I mean don't these people see how the ratio of a successful relationship with someone you can call your equal has become a dying concept. You keep telling yourself that when it's your turn, you will do better, treat the other like their GODS and learn from the flaws of those around you.
We keep idealising what could be and what isn't. We romantise what should be happening in our lives but surely we have to have noticed that maybe bullshitting yourself about what is going wrong in your life can only easy your own lies for so long. At some point the honesty of what’s lacking becomes and that’s when we have to just TAKE IT IN.
They say, "You miss what you had once it's gone"
I say, "we miss what we claimed to understand yet never fully knew, once it finds better nurturing else where."
I craved the people I took for granted and treated like easy earthly pleasures. I thought I could find better at some point, be better than what they were but I always remembered that certain people are like the shooting stars which soon fade as they pass your atmosphere. The moment their gone that is it. Yes, you may find something new and better but that one indescribable smile or realist soul was one you won’t find as easily again and so sinks in the remorse and regret even when you have found the next phase to your life.
GET OVER SOME THINGS, LET THEM ROLL OFF AND TAKE WHAT YOU HAVE. It seems like you being all nonchalant about life but holding on to the "what if's and maybe's" leaves you needing more than what you really can handle.
I spent my fare share of nights laying on pillows, drenched in my tears hoping for that one guy who spends mornings and evenings with me instead of using me for his own 3a.m needs. I look at how those random boys only crowded my vision in seeing that I needed to understand the love inside, what I really needed from someone else and where I wanted to be before I could become that girl hopelessly in love.
WHAT IS LOVE BY THE WAY???
I am taking this somewhere, jogging your memory but I too am still trying to understand this age old debate between intellects of different worlds.
I kissed the frogs, call it silly teenage moans and groans or the out pore of the lonely heart begging to show another some affection but the frogs are now part of the foundation which holds the window sill in place and keeps the door frame to my identity in a stable position.
Patience...
Patience...
Patience...
You hear the words but are you ever listening.
You hear them but do you understand what they mean for your life.
I heard them but never listened and never wrapped the concept around my understanding.
I wanted it now.
We all want it now.
Faster
Easier
We don't want to work for what should be ours because of some sense of entitlement. Where there is human emotion there is no entitlement but hard work.
I GET IT NOW!!!
I really do!
Patience...
Was that thing I should have done when I had to men my bruised ego when we both gave up on what we had together?
Patience...
Was what I did when I took my own time and kept my distance from simple "take-away sex" and let him figure himself out without ever having him condemn me as a wild child who has no care and respect for him or me.
Patience...
Was me thinking about him, missing him, calling him "to hear how his day was" even though his heart didn't belong to mine.
Patience...
Was the satisfaction of kissing his lips for the first time since the first day I laid eyes on him and knew he was meant for me?
We really cannot dictate to time as he is no fool to our bidding. The moment we accept and embrace that alone, we finally see how what we desire with a diligent heart will soon be ours.
There is no instant recipe to all of this and I am sure as you go on, we all have noticed and found this out to be true of what we live daily yet as humans, I think we enjoy banging our heads against failure.
I am jotting down pieces of questions, ideas and wishes I have always documented in my head ... jumbled and scattered fragments of what I believe and debate in myself all day I am always open to another's interpretation of what I call "PROVERBS OF THE UNKNOWN DISCIPLES". We are all opinionated and so who am I to tell you how to write your own fairytale yet I wish we would stop living in what was written as the textbook scenario for life and we take it for ourselves and customise it.
